Realistic Dictionary

*(The newest entries are highlighted in yellow and have an asterisk by them.)

A - F
Advertising: the art of making corporate propaganda seem like revealed truth proclaiming that human worth can be found only in buying someone’s product.

*Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. 
*Ambassador : An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country. 
Arab: a member of a Semitic ethnic group that is famously accused of antisemitism.

*Aristocracy: In theory, government by the best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Robbers who wear funny hats and clean shirts—guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts
*Assassination: Extreme form of censorship. George Bernard Shaw
*Atheism: 1) A non-prophet organization. George Carlin 2) the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority. Stephen Colbert
*Atheist: 1) The loyal opposition to God. 2) A man who has no invisible means of support. 
*Atom bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
*Attorney-client privilege: Bestowed upon the client wherein he or she receives the privilege of paying a lawyer $100, $200 or more per hour to foul up his or her case.
*Autobiography: An unrivaled vehicle for getting revenge on other people.

*Bankruptcy: Formal condition of a person being deemed insolvent under law, often encountered by people after paying their lawyer's bill. By declaring bankruptcy, the person agrees to divert his or her remaining assets to the lawyer handling the bankruptcy.
Bicycle: a means of moving people without having to go to the trouble and expense of moving a two thousand pound vehicle.
Bigamist: Someone who makes the same mistake twice.
Bi-partisan effort: a ploy by which Democrats and Republicans push unpopular measures by temporarily setting aside the pretext of political differences. (See partisan wrangling.)
Blackwater/Xi: enforcers for gangster government.
Blood debt: the concept of placing a monetary value on human life by demanding money from a murderer.  It serves as a deterrent to any potential murderer except the ones who don't need the money and see blood debt only as a cost of doing business.  (See Collateral and Collateral damage.)
Campaign Promise: A promise a political candidate makes, supposedly in exchange for votes.  It's called a campaign promise because of when the promise is made, why the promise is made, and what the expiration date for the promise is.

*Capital Punishment: Killing people who kill people to prove that killing people is wrong. 
Clarification: a form of back peddling short of outright denial (Synonym: obfuscation.)
*Cocktail party: a social event at which sandwiches and people are cut into small pieces.
Collateral: Something of value pledged as security for something that has no intrinsic value and is created out of thin air. (See Collateral damage.)
Collateral damage: the reverse chronological order of blood debt; first a government borrows money for the purpose of killing people from a country that the bankers and their corporate allies want to control; the government offers the blood of innocent citizens of that country as collateral; since the government will never pay more than interest on the loan, the collateral (the blood of innocent citizens of the target country) is forfeited. 
Congress: the opposite of progress; useful idiots for the global elite, sequestered in a mausoleum-like structure that keeps them oblivious to the actual needs of the people who elected them.  The roof of the structure known as the Capitol is shaped like a mushroom because that's how the real owners of congressmen treat them; they keep them in the dark and feed them manure. 
Conspiracy theorist: someone who believes that human events are caused by humans.
Dark horse: a candidate whom everyone knows “can’t win” because he’s too honest and too well liked, but especially because he’s not the greater or lesser of two evils.
*Debt: 1) negative money—used by banks to produce more negative money. 2) unique type of money that multiplies automatically 3) an ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave driver.
*Democracy: a form of government based on the belief that the people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard; 2) a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance; 3) being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least; 4) government accepted by a majority of people who believe in dreams; 5) the bludgeoning of the people, by the people, for the people;  6) the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage 7) a form of government that consists of choosing your own dictators after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear. 8) a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve; 9) a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame; 10) government by discussion, but it is effective only if you can stop people talking. 
Democratic Party: the wing of the Wall Street Party that favors maintaining people in poverty as a pretext for siphoning tax dollars to support such poverty industries as major drug companies and insurance companies. The Democratic Party favors building vote farms called housing projects. (See Republican Party.)

*Dentist: a magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.
Department of Homeland Security: a government agency that, like Diogenes of Sinope, is constantly searching for an honest man.  Unlike Diogenes, when they find one, they'll send him to Guantanamo to be waterboarded.  Ironically, their office is in Washington, D.C., where Diogenes would know better than to search.

*Destiny: a tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. 
*Dictator: The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy. 

Diebold: an electronic means of miscounting paper ballots so as to guarantee prearranged election results; a machine that transforms a ballot box into the moral equivalent of a paper shredder.

*Dilemma : A politician trying to save both of his faces at once.

*Diplomacy: 1.) war by another means; 2.) The art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock;  2) the art of letting other people have your own way.
*Diplomat: a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Doctor: a celebrity spokesman for drug companies.
Elected official: one of the shadows in Plato's cave; a human face for Wall Street.
Election: (disambiguation) 1.) a democratic custom by which deluded people hire hated kleptocrats by choosing between the lesser of two evils, in the belief that popular, honest people “can’t win.” (See dark horse; see urban legend) 2.) something a Japanese man gets when he takes Viagra.
Election, General: (see General Election)
Electronic voting (a.k.a. touch-screen voting): a high-tech program transforming the voice of the people into the will of the other people, who really own America, without any traceable evidence or means of recounting.
FDA: abbreviation for Food and Drug Administration; the government agency responsible for preventing healthy foods and safe, effective drugs from being marketed.
Federal Reserve System: a government-approved monopoly to counterfeit money.
*Fobia: a fear of misspelled words.
Flag: a bit of colored cloth that governments use, first to shrink wrap people's brains and then as ceremonial shrouds to bury the dead. (Arundhati Roy)
Foreign Aid: 1.) giving aid and comfort to the enemy, 2.) poor people in rich countries giving money to rich people in poor countries, 3.) a form of money laundering by which money is embezzled from working Americans, sent overseas to be laundered, and funneled back to large banks and corporations in the U.S.
Fragging: the deliberate killing (usually by fragmentary grenade) of officers by their own men in situations whereby the officers command their men to kill somebody; proof that karma has a sense of burlesque.
Friendly Fire: Proof that karma has a sense of irony.
G - M
Gaffe: The truth, when accidentally spoken by a politician.

*Garbage can: a container for dogs, put out once a week to test their ingenuity. They must stand on their hind legs and try to push the lid off with their nose. Pushing the whole thing over usually makes the contents more easily accessible. When done right, dogs are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume, and moldy crusts of bread.
*Gargoyle: an extremely ugly statue on a church building. In medieval times, they were intended to scare away evil spirits. Now they are intended to attract tourists. The relationship between tourists and evil, though, is ambiguous.

General Election:  (third world) an election conducted by a military dictatorship in such a way that it guarantees the election of generals wearing comic opera uniforms; (industrialized world) a sock puppet pageant in which voters choose between puppets manipulated by the left hand and puppets manipulated by the right hand.
Goldman Sachs (word origin: gold + man + saxophone): a wind instrument, mostly brass, played by corrupt bankers so that politicians can dance to its tune.

*Global warming: Modern method to ensure nice summers all year round, generally deemed a bad idea.
*Government 1) Facility to make second-hand paper out of new paper with money extracted from voters; 2) a well-documented branch of the mafia, found in nearly every country; 3) an organization which is elected, no matter for whom you vote.

Guy Fawkes: the only person to enter Parliament with honest motives.
*Heresy: freedom of thought.
Holy book: a book that very few people have read but which everyone is expected to accept on faith as divine revelation, the contents of which are revealed to its adherents by prophets and evangelists who haven't read it either.   Examples include Origin of Species, Inconvenient Truth, and the 9/11 Commission Report.
*Hangover: the Wrath of Grapes.
*Help: a computer feature that assists in generating more questions. When the Help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens, and end up where they started, without learning a thing.
Housing project: a lobster trap for capturing poor people so they can be deprived of their freedoms, maintained in poverty, and harvested for their votes, while calling it benevolence. 
*Human: a useful domesticated animal that is popular with dogs, cats, and fleas.

*Income: a technical term used by tax collectors to confiscate your money (which then turns it into expenditure).
*Income tax: money you have to pay in order to work.
*Judge: a law student who marks his own examination papers.

*Law firm: an unseemly group of lawyers who have banded together under one roof to devise new techniques and stratagems that allow them to take full advantage of loopholes within the law while making great gobs of money in the meantime.
*Law license: a license to steal and get away with it.
*Law: 1) A superficial term loosely and interchangeably used by lawyers and judges alike whenever they feel a need to put the rest of us in our pedestrian places. It is a widely accepted perception within the legal community that lawyers and judges alike are above the law and any rules governing same. 2) the theoretical difference between government and mafia. 
*Lawsuit: 1) a machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. 2) a very expensive piece of clothing which can only be afforded by lawyers persuing lawsuits. 
*Lawyer: Originally derived from early Roman law, meaning “liar,” term has evolved over the years to include other derivatives, including Latin for “scoundrel,” Italian for “shyster,” Greek for “con-artist,” and early Texan for “piece of horse excrement;” 2) a person who is skilled in circumvention of the law; 3) Mouth with a life-support system.;4) a politician without an electorate.
*Legislation: laws passed by lawyers masquerading as politicians for the benefit of the other lawyers who contributed to the politicians’ campaign coffers.
Loyal subordinate: someone who is blamed and punished for the misdeeds of a corrupt politician, bureaucrat, or businessman.  (See Teflon)
*Mafia: paperless government, invented by Italians.
*Man: 1) the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft, and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor; 2) the male of the human race, commonly known to the female as mere man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers; 3) a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained by women to do most things; 4) an animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies rapidly enough to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada; 5) a  portable heater that snores.
Medical school: an extended infomercial for the pharmaceutical industry.
Mushroom: suitable as the national flower of most nations because mushrooms prefer to be kept in the dark and fed manure.
N - S
*Nation: a society united by delusions about its ancestry and by common hatred of its neighbors.
News reporter: someone who gets paid to spread unsubstantiated rumors.
Obama, Barack:  The latest thing in animatronics.  It's programmed by the CIA, powered by Wall Street, and activated by a teleprompter. 
Obamacare: 1.) a "spread the wealth around" program that involves forcing poor people to subsidize insurance companies; 2.) a Social Security cost-cutting measure that involves population reduction upon reaching the age of sixty.
Obama, Michelle: Tammy Faye Bakker in tacky clothes.
*Office: a place you can relax and surf the Internet after your busy home life.
*Parole: a supervised release of prisoners before their prison sentences are served, insuring that lawyers will have a steady supply of repeat customers.  Since 15% of Americans behind bars are later proven innocent, granting parole after serving one third of one's sentence decreases the odds of a retrial, thus sparing lawyers and judges a great deal of embarrassment at seeing an even higher percentage of prisoners proven innocent.
Partisan wrangling: a good cop/bad cop routine played on the national stage. (See bi-partisan effort.)
Political conscience: that still, small voice that calculates the odds.

*Political debate: two or more people talking in a state between deep sleep and dream, about their voters' dreams. 
*Political language: language designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind. 
*Politician: 1.) a person who solicits votes from the poor and contributions from the rich under the pretext that he’s protecting each from the other; 2.) salespeople who sell voter's dreams but deliver only nightmares; 3.) one who shakes your hand before elections, and your confidence and purse after; 4.) someone who is willing to lay down your life for his country.

*Politics: 1) the conduct of public affairs for private advantage; 2) a strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles; 3) the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies;  4) Poli means "many" in Latin, and tics as in "bloodsucking creatures;" 5) the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them; 6) the skilled use of blunt objects.

POTUS (acronym for President of the United States): the official spokesman for an international crime syndicate.
Professional media: paid witnesses; sideshow hawkers in Plato's cave, paid to keep people's eyes on the movements of shadows on the wall and not turn around to see the puppeteers casting the shadows from behind them.
Racist: someone who believes that the Lord created races of humans other than the human race, and that it matters.
*Radicalism: the conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
Reptilian shape shifters: an excellent metaphor for how politicians actually operate.
Republican Party: the wing of the Wall Street Party that drives people into poverty by starting wars as a pretext for using tax dollars to support the military-industrial complex. (See Democratic Party.)
Secretary: 1.) (in private enterprise) someone whose job is to do what the general public think that the boss is doing, and to make it look as though the boss is more informed than he really is; 2.) (government at the cabinet level) a lieutenant for gangster government's crime boss.
SOURCE: someone who tells a news reporter what he wants the general public to believe. Below, I define several ways that the word is used:
Anonymous source: someone with a grudge.
High level source: someone who is flying a trial balloon.
Informed sources: a weasel-worded term which, if it means anything, implies that their other sources are uninformed.
Inside sources: a mole working for the other side.
“Sources say…”: “rumor has it….”
(For other sources, see Whistleblower and Wikileaks.)
*System update: 1) A quick method of trashing all of your software; 2) a specialty of Microsoft to cover up miserable programming with usually more miserable programming; 3) a software change to exchange one bug for at least one new one.
T through Z
Talk radio: a contemporary form of burlesque presented as a spoof of serious commentary, in which the principle actor usually portrays a pretentious bigot with delusions of adequacy.
Talking head: someone on television who barks for his supper and knows who feeds him.
Tea Party: an umbrella term for protests that have resulted from white people discovering that they were being shafted the way members of other ethnic groups have been shafted for hundreds of years.  The name Tea Party refers to the American Revolution, a war that was fought because white slaveholders wanted to be free.
Teflon (adj. usually applied to corrupt politicians, bureaucrats, or businessmen): having a quality that allows one to commit an unlimited number of felonies, safe in the knowledge that, in each case, a loyal subordinate will be blamed and punished.  (Example: a Teflon mayor) (See loyal subordinate.)
Televangelism: a high-tech means for Protestants to sell indulgences.
Television programming: weapons of mass distraction.
TSA: a homegrown terrorist organization providing employment for perverts and vandals, acting under the pretext of protecting Americans from people like themselves.  In so doing, they've helped people to overcome their fear of flying by giving them a greater fear of boarding.  TSA stands for Transportation Security Administration, although, understandably, the letters have been variously interpreted as meaning Take Stuff Away, Tear Suitcase Apart, Totalitarian Subjugation Acclimation, Take Scissors Away, The Shoe Aficionados, Truth Systematically Avoided, Torn Socks Again, Tourism Sabotage Activity, Thuggish Steroid Abusers; Toss, Stall, Abscond; Treatment Simply Abusive, Terrorists Still Allowed, Trained Shoe Analysts, Three Stooges Audition, Thrift Store Annex, They Steal Anything, Traitors Subverting America, Testy Swaggering Accosters, Typically Snotty Attitude, Totally Screwed Again, Touching Sexual Areas, The Sex Acts, Transportation Sounds Awful, Travel Sexual Assaulters, Truly Sick Authority, and Twisted Sex Acts.  
Unelectable: a word that the corporate-owned media uses to describe a candidate who is honest and can't be blackmailed.
Urban legend: an untrue story, convincingly told about something that supposedly happened in the past.  The antonym of urban legend is campaign promise: an untrue story, convincingly told about something that will supposedly happen in the future.  (See campaign promise.)
*Vegetarian: an old Native American word for "bad hunter."
*Vote: an instrument and symbol of a free person's ability to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
*War (archaic usage:) a means of transforming corporate blunders into noble causes; (current usage:) a business strategy by which innocent people are robbed in one part of the world and, to justify the robbery, the robbery victims are sent to commit murder in another part of the world; 2.) a strange game in which the only winning move is not to play; 3.) a relic of barbarity probably destined to become as obsolete as dueling; 4.) an international lose-lose situation; 5.) a cowardly escape from the problems of peace.
Washington: 1.) (George) the last white person by that name, and the last politician who couldn't tell a lie; (D.C.) a city named for the President who couldn't tell a lie, packed with politicos who either can't tell the truth or can't tell the difference. (Another difference between the two Washingtons: George Washington reputedly threw a silver dollar across the Rappahannock River.  Washington, D.C., throws trillions of dollars across the ocean.)
Whistleblower: someone who gets fired for telling the truth.
Wikileaks: a gimmick by which people in power play the “knowledge is power” game, in the theory that people are more likely to believe what they read in the corporate media if it’s anonymously leaked rather than announced at a news conference.
*Witness: an person who swears to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and then tells the story the way his lawyer instructed him to tell it.
World Trade Center: proof that physics and engineering textbooks need to be rewritten from scratch.
World Trade Center Building Number 7: the only high-rise building in history that collapsed for no apparent reason, thereby disproving the Law of Cause and Effect.
Zionist lobby: groups of wrath.